On transitioning to a different phase of wonder-slash-homesickness
I’m hitting the 5-month mark in Barcelona this week, and it’s a little crazy. I have the hardest time expressing my feelings about it to people at home as well as people here. There is so much left to discover in Barcelona, and so much that I’m still in constant wonder of, but my love for all things Portland calls me too.
The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I’m stuck on a bridge, and I’m not sure which direction to walk. That, and my soul is a little fractured.
Not fractured because it’s changed in a bad way, necessarily. More like fractured because it’s open (and more accepting). Also fractured because it’s different (and there’s no turning back).
Does this make any sense to anyone?
I’m not the person I was 5 months ago. None of us are who we were, of course, and that’s not wholly profound. It’s normal, and it’s a good thing. It signals growth.
But, at this particular time in my life, it’s also a little dizzying.
I’m questioning beliefs and lifestyle choices that I used to hold firm. I’m making new connections and new friends, while also feeling fairly isolated and alone.
I’m trying to go through all of this consciously so that I might understand the choices I make – choices around staying in this country or returning back to the states, choices around career and love – but sometimes I’m not sure which way is up or down, forward or backward.
I’d like to be my normal goofy, wordy self here and have people understand my humor and word play, though it’s hard with a language barrier.
I’d like to express my fears and disappointments to people at home without them thinking it means I’m sad or unhappy with my experience.
I’d like to be in both places at once.
Well, shoot. Is this what being an expat feels like?